I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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