at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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