I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
