For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
