if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
