I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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