look no pants
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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