you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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