My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
