What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Randomize
