ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
