he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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