I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
