I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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