did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
