why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
