life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
