can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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