Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Randomize
