there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
