They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Damn victory sex feels great
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
