i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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