drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
