So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
