I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
