I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
