I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Less talking, more tequila
being pregnant is like rehab
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
