I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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