So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He has the fingertips of a God
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