I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
