note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
