I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
