Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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