there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
