I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
