You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
