Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
