This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
