Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
