Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize