I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
