i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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