Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
