I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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