dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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