Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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