i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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