In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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