I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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