Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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