I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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