well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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