I molested 6 butterflies tonight
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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