Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize