o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
