This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize