Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
