I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
