I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
