If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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