Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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