watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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