Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
