margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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